


Long Distance

by HamiltonGFantomos



Series: Long Distance [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Destroy Ending, M/M, non-canon characters - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-21
Updated: 2013-10-28
Packaged: 2017-12-29 21:04:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1010084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HamiltonGFantomos/pseuds/HamiltonGFantomos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaidan is doing his best to get the Normandy back to Earth so he can get back to Shepard. Shepard is struggling to escape the hell of his own mind so he can get back to reality and Kaidan. Traynor finally understands that there are always unintended consequences to her actions and choices.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lost and Found

"Hello? Can anyone hear me?" Specialist Samantha Traynor made the slightest of adjustments, increasing amperage here, lowering voltage there, all in an attempt to get the Normandy's QEC unit working again. "This is the SSV Normandy. If anyone can hear me, please respond." She looked intently at a monitor, hoping to see a spike on the graph that would tell her she had a signal. Her only response was the whine of static. That's all the response that had been forthcoming for three long weeks. She couldn't decide if she were more irritated that she couldn't get the damned thing to work, or frustrated that it was refusing to work; the distinction between the two, she realized, being that the former meant she was still somewhat sane and the latter meant she was definitely not.

Three weeks of broadcasting and hoping for a response and being greeted with only a staticky silence had taken its toll. Sometimes when she was convinced that she was wasting everyone's time and letting down the whole crew of the Normandy, she would ditch regular emergency hailing protocol altogether. Sometimes she sang; out of tune and out of rhythm, but it kept her going. Mostly she stuck with late twentieth century classical.

"Hello?" She began, "Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me, is there anyone home?" Today she broke down in sobs on the word 'home,' yesterday it was the chorus. Numb was something she was definitely not.

"Dammit!" In her frustration she kicked at an access panel and missed, being rewarded with a sharp shock in her foot as her boot hit an exposed wire. "Son of a bi--"

There was a burst of noise in the static and there on the graph was a peak so small and so wide it was barely above the background. "Nor-man- -- is -- Hack-- res-" The voice was barely audible. But it was there. Or Traynor had finally lost her mind.

"Yes, yes. This is the Normandy." She offered hopefully. "I can barely hear you. But I'm reading you. If you can hear me I need you to send the standard QEC reference signal so I can get a lock on you. Standard QEC reference signal." She repeated each word slowly and clearly. _This would be so much easier if EDI were still here_ , she thought. Traynor did her best.

"Standard. QEC. Reference. Signal." Traynor said again, slowly and calmly, overpronouncing each word like the sheer force of eloqution could overcome the static of quantum uncertainty. After repeating herself a few times, the words came out like a mantra, or a chant, or a prayer.

After what seemed like an eternity, the peak on the graph grew. It was a wide peak, like a gently sloping hill, too diffuse for useful communication but good enough for the feedback necessary for improvement. "Yes! Yes! Yes! That frequency. That one." The peak began to shrink. "No! No! No! Back! Back! Back!" The peak began to rise again. "Yes! Yes! Keep going! Slowly! Slowly! Almost. Slowly! Help me out here! I've got no computer and I'm doing these adjustments manually!" Traynor watched as the peak grew. And then it began to shrink once again. "Stop! Stop! Stop!" Traynor shouted. "Whatever your settings were between three and five seconds ago was the optimum." The peak stopped shrinking and began growing again. And then it became steady. "YES!!!! That's bloody brilliant but the signal's still too diffuse. I've got a wideband lock, but I need a stronger signal in the time-variance domain. Can you boost it please?" The gently-sloped peak narrowed to a tall spike and Traynor finally had something she could work with. She knew exactly what she needed to do to get the QEC vidcomm working again, and even she was surprised at the speed of her own hands. "Yes! Yes! That's it! That's it! That's exactly what I need. I don't know who you are but I swear I could kiss you right now."

"I doubt the regulations would permit such a thing, Normandy, but it's damned good to have you back."

"Admiral Hackett, sir!" Traynor straightened instantly to attention and saluted smartly as the image in front of her solidified. "Specialist Samantha Traynor, sir. I apologize for my exuberance, it's just...

"At ease, Specialist." Hackett returned the salute. "About a week ago our comms people noticed some odd, sporadic signals on the QEC. Puzzled them to no end because they didn't know where it was coming from. Up until about an hour ago they weren't even sure it was deliberate signal, until one of our techs heard some singing. When they finally locked down the probable source, my XO came and woke me herself." The Admiral smiled more than Traynor had imagined he could. "And you did this with no computer to calibrate and adjust the signal? Ordinarily I'd say 'good work,' Specialist, but that's just downright impressive. Well done."

"Just doing my job, Sir. Thank you, Sir."

"Report the Normandy's situation, Specialist."

"Yes, sir. I'll get Major Alenko. As surviving ranking Alliance officer on board he has assumed --"

"Specialist Traynor, unless you're one hundred percent certain of the reliability of your end of the QEC connection, then I can't take the chance of losing your signal and not getting it back. I need a report."

Traynor instantly recognized the pragmatism of the Admiral's words. "Understood, sir. The Normandy is down, crashed." Traynor hesistated. "We landed on a garden world, with a nitrogen-oxygen atmosphere, fully capable of supporting life, but its biosphere is levo-amino acid and we have a turian and quarian on board so --"

Hackett interrupted. "Ship first, crew second, Specialist."

"Yes, sir, of course, sir." Traynor took a breath. She ran through the list of damaged systems and their respective states of repair, as best she knew them.

"And the crew?" Hackett asked.

"There were about a dozen minor injuries in the crash, mostly bumps and bruises, the most severe injury was Engineer Gabby Daniels' broken arm. All accounted for," she paused, "save for two." She hung her head briefly to wipe away a tear.

"Two unaccounted for?" Hackett sounded puzzled.

"Commander Shepard and -- " Traynor began.

"And EDI" Hackett finished. "Yes." Hackett shook his head.

"Admiral? I mean, how did you know? EDI went offline when the Normandy was overtaken in FTL by some sort of shockwave. She's been completely unresponsive since and we can't get her rebooted."

"That shockwave was the Crucible firing." Hackett breathed in. "Shortly before the operation to deploy the Crucible, EDI contacted me to inform me that she and the geth had been discussing the possibility that any weapon that could target the Reapers might also effect them, as some of EDI's hardware was Reaper based and the geth possessed Reaper-based software upgrades."

Traynor felt a lump in her throat. "She knew, they knew that the Crucible might destroy them as well?"

"Yes, and they decided that it was a risk they were willing to take, and if need be, a sacrifice they were willing to make if it meant ending the Reapers."

"They told you that?"

"Yes. EDI told me herself, and she said that she would inform Shepard of their decision as well. They were willing to sacrifice for all of us if that's what was necessary. And they did not sacrifice in vain.  Shepard got the Citadel's arms open and the Crucible deployed and fired successfully. The Reapers are dead. The war is over. We won." There was no sound of triumph in Hackett's voice. He just sounded tired.

"And Commander" Traynor's voice faltered "Shepard?"

Hackett regarded her for a moment. "Was found by a search and rescue team in a pile of rubble at the base of the Council spire."

"Found?" _Found_ meant things Traynor didn't dare to hope. "Found? You mean his remains were recovered."

"No Specialist, not his remains. Shepard was found alive."

"And..?"

"He's still alive, barely. He's in critical condition."

"That he's alive is fantastic news! The crew will want to know--"

"Don't get ahead of yourself, Traynor."

"But, Admiral..."

"Shepard is in critical condition and Earth is in a shambles. There are shortages of food and water. Mostly there's no infrastructure left to repair so it will all need to be rebuilt. There aren't enough doctors or nurses to tend to all the wounded. Medical supplies and equipment are stretched too thin and most hospitals and clinics are burned-out shells. The latest report I have says that Shepard has flatlined four times in the twenty-three days since he was found. To be brutally pragmatic, the resources required to keep him alive are reaching the limit of what anyone could ethically justify; the medical needs of the many can't go unmet for the sake of one man's life."

She considered for a moment. "Yes sir, I understand. But the crew of the Normandy would want to know he at least survived."

"Specialist," Hackett sighed, obviously in some discomfort with what he was about to say. "Shepard was unrecognizable when he was found. And at first his rescuers didn't know whether they had found him or Major Alenko, since he was wearing one of his own tags and one of the Major's." Traynor very carefully made sure her face stayed as blank and unreadable as possible. Hackett paused for a moment. "This isn't my first rodeo, Specialist, I know what that gesture symbolizes and what it means about the relationship of the parties involved and the desperation of the situation they faced. It would be incredibly cruel to give anyone the hope that they would see Shepard alive again, only for him to die before the Normandy gets home."

"Sir, I... I don't know what to..." Traynor stammered.

"That's alright, Specialist. There's an old saying: 'If it happens ship-side, it's known ship-wide.' The reason that saying exists is because it's true. You don't have to say anything more. I'm not going to make you choose between violating the confidences of your friends and crewmates or lying to a superior officer."

Traynor was certain that Hackett could see the tears welling up in her eyes. She wiped her eyes and cleared her throat. "Yes, sir. Please forigve my lack of professionalism, Admiral. It's just that..."

"I've known Shepard for a little over a decade and he's the kind of man who can help people reach their fullest, bring out their best; and that sort of thing can engender the deepest loyalty, respect, and admiration. I understand this is difficult. The Normandy's been alone, out of contact for three weeks, and you've just been hit with a lot of news, some good, some bad, and some downright awful. It's a lot to process in a short amount of time. After all the Normandy's been through I would have been concerned if you _hadn't_ been at least a little overwhelmed just now; thinking, feeling people get ships home, Traynor; a crew of burned out zombies won't. When I speak to Major Alenko I'll inform him of Shepard's condition, and he and I will decide from there what to tell the Normandy crew. For now, you just keep your head down and leave the bad decisions to someone else. Now, is the QEC on your end stable enough for reliable use?"

"I don't know offhand, Admiral, it will take me a few minutes to check systems and run a few diagnostics."

"I'll hold while you do."

Traynor verified the status of each system that ran the QEC. Hackett waited patiently, reading a report that was handed to him. "Yes, sir. The QEC on the Normandy appears stable, but at the moment we can only connect to your flagship."

"Understood. We lost a lot of ships with QEC terminals in the final engagement and my technical experts here tell me the larger the QEC network we have, the better our comms situation will be, even if the Normandy is grounded. Do you believe further repairs to your QEC are possible?"

"Admiral, at the moment I would recommend against any further work on the Normandy's QEC until I've had an opportunity to complete a more thorough inspection of its hardware and software and run some more in-depth diagnostics."

"So what you're saying is that you don't want to push your luck with an incredibly complex piece of technology you just got working?" Hackett suggested.

"Yes, sir, Admiral, I am." Traynor managed a faint smile.

"Fair enough. In his reports Shepard spoke highly of your skill and expertise in this area so I'll defer to your judgment. I'd like to speak to Major Alenko as soon as possible, but he'll need some time to get properly prepared. Synchronize your omni-tool's watch VI with mine. Tell him I want a briefing in two hours. In the meantime Specialist, this is a direct order: you are to divulge nothing of what we have discussed or what you have been told, _to anyone_. You may tell Major Alenko only that you managed to make contact long enough to verify the stability of the connection, and that I have ordered him to report to me in two hours."

"Yes sir."

"One more thing, Specialist."

"Sir?"

"Again, that's a job well done getting the QEC working."

"Thank you, Admiral."

"Hackett out."

* * *

 

The hall outside the Normandy's CO's quarters was dim. Samantha Traynor took a deep breath and knocked firmly on the door. "Major Alenko? It's Specialist Traynor. It's urgent."

There was the sound of rustling sheets. "Hmn? What?" The Major's voice was full of sleep.

"It's Specialist Traynor, Major Alenko. It's urgent."

"Hold on a second." More rustling. "Enter."

Traynor opened the door to the CO's quarters just as Kaidan pulled on Shepard's N7 hoodie.

"' _Specialist_ Traynor?' _'Major_ Alenko?' It must be really urgent if you're getting all formal on me in the middle of the night." He grinned at her. "I give you tomorrow off and you couldn't sleep? Need a drink? Need your ass kicked at chess?" Kaidan gestured towards the bottle of whiskey Shepard bought for him all those long months ago on the Citadel. In the three weeks the Normandy had been downed on this unnamed planet, Samantha had come to sit with Kaidan a few times. Many other members of the crew had tried to comfort him as well, but usually he just wound up consoling them instead. Traynor, however, would just sit next to him, and they would slowly sip their whiskey, in silence. It was all she could do for Kaidan, but it was exactly what he needed; to be left alone with his thoughts without being left alone in the room. Sometimes she would put her head on Kaidan's shoulder, bury her face in the sleeve of Shepard's N7 hoodie that Kaidan was always wearing and try to breathe in Shepard's scent. Kaidan teased her when he caught her doing this, "Leave some for me," he'd say.

Traynor didn't quite know what to say, since she couldn't stand the thought of lying to someone who was both a superior officer who had earned her loyalty and a man who had become a good friend. "We made contact with Admiral Hackett. He orders you to brief him on the Normandy's status in," she checked her omni-tool "one hour and fifty-five minutes."

The smile on Kaidan's face was quickly replaced by a frown. "Wait a minute. What were you doing working on the QEC? I ordered you to take a break! I ordered you to get some rest!" He said in mock outrage.

"Well, resting on my ass isn't going to get us off this sub-tropical paradise of a rock any faster, _Major_. Besides, I relax by doing puzzles and logic problems. At least now that you will no longer allow me to hand you a humiliating deafeat at chess. It's how I unwind. And a non-functioning quantum entanglement communicator is a lovely puzzle to solve." She sighed. "Well, you've got a lot of work to do and not much time to do it in. And seeing as how I have the morning off... I'll be going. But the least I could do is get you some coffee."

"Tea for me please, but get yourself whatever you want."

"Oh sorry, we're out of tea. Liara might have some left but if you want some of _her stash_ you'll have to wake her up yourself. I'm not that brave or foolish."

"No, thanks. Two coffees, then."

"Two?"

"Yes Specialist, _two_. One for me, one for you."

"But what about you ordering me to relax?"

"Rescinded. And as your punishment for disobeying my direct order, you will help me prepare and present this briefing to Admiral Hackett."

* * *

 

Traynor had a knot in her stomach the entire time she was helping Kaidan prepare for the briefing. _Hackett's a professional_ , she thought to herself, _he'll be cool and calm and he won't jump to the conclusion that I disobeyed his direct order just because I'm standing next to Kaidan_. She felt a little relief at that thought but then felt guilty that she knew Kaidan was about to get hit with the news about Shepard and she couldn't say anything. She felt like she was letting him get blindsided.

"You want to watch or something?" Kaidan nudged her arm.

"Excuse me?"

"I said that I need to get dressed now and that you should go freshen up and meet me in the vidcomm room in ten minutes. Or are you going to stay here and watch me get dressed?"

"I'm sorry, Major. I'm a little distracted. In the back of my mind I know that not all the news Hackett gives us is going to be good." She regretted the words the instant that she said them.

"Can't let the fear of bad news get in the way of doing our jobs, Sam. And seriously, when it's just us, cut the 'Major' crap."

"Right," she said with what she thought was transparently insincere sweetness as she headed for the door. "Let me go get scrubbed and appropriately regulation dowdy. Mustn't look prettier than the brass."

"Sam" Kadian called out.

She turned.

"For everything," he took a deep breath, "the long non-talks, being there, thanks."

"My pleasure." she said and then turned back to the door and walked out. She managed to hold off crying until the elevator doors closed.

* * *

 

Traynor stood to Kaidan's right, adjusting some controls on the QEC.

"Are we good to go?"

"Yeah. Never one to keep an Admiral waiting, Major?"

"My Daddy taught me well. Light us up Specialist Traynor."

"Aye, sir."

There was a flickering and then a flare and then Hackett's image stabilized in front of them. He was silent for a moment as he eyed Traynor standing at Kaidan's side. "Hackett here."

Major Alenko and Specialist Traynor both stood to full attention and saluted. Traynor felt slightly uncomfortable. She hoped that Kaidan didn't catch the look that Hackett had given her when the vidcomm connected.

Hackett returned the salute. "Report, Major Alenko."

Kadian made his report to the Admiral, first the general condition of the ship, then system by system, then the crew. Traynor handed him each datapad in turn as he needed it. They covered the expected time to make Normandy flight worthy again, and then the logistics of getting home, once they could figure out where they were to begin with. Progress on tha front seemed to be at a logjam.

"No navigational charts, no astrometrics?" Hackett sounded astonished.

"EDI was tied into nearly all the Normandy's systems. When she" Kaidan paused for a moment "became non-functional most of those systems went down with her."

"That's what we have backups for, isn't it?"

"Yes, but most of those were damaged in the crash. What's still on-line are stand-alone terminals and servers; without the primary computer core we don't have to processing power to get a reliable fix on our position."

"And without a reliable starting point, you'd have nothing better than a best guess as to what direction Earth is in. You'd be flying blind. Not much use getting Normandy back in the sky if she's got no direction to fly." Hackett mused.

"Pardon me gentlemen, I have a suggestion." Traynor offered.

"We're all ears, Sam. Excuse me, Specialist." Kaidan quickly recovered from his lapse.

"Before Joker got us down, we were able to get some good readings on this system's planets. That's how he found us a garden world to begin with. We've got fairly reliable mass estimates and preliminary orbits of the planets in this system. And we have the primary's spectral class. There were dozens of automated flyby surveys conducted right after the Sol Relay was discovered and re-activated. So if this system was surveyed by remote flyby..."

"Then it might be in a searchable database somewhere." Hackett finished the thought for her. "It's a longshot but that's the best idea I've heard so far. Specialist, gather the data, double check it, get it together and coordinate with my XO. If that system's in some database, we'll find it. Good work, Traynor. Now if you'll excuse us, there's a matter I need to discuss with Major Alenko privately, but don't go too far Specialist, there's a matter I'll need to discuss with you as well."

She saluted and walked out of the vidcomm room. There was another lump in her throat. _How did Hackett know she violated his orders? Wait, did she violate Hackett's orders? Well, close enough? Or did he just think that she violated his orders?_ Her mind spun. _Too late for that now_ , she thought. Besides, they still weren't home and Hackett had given her a job to do. Most of the terminals in the war room were still functional, even if EDI was not. She looked for the data she needed. There it was, the data on the system they landed in: three inner planets, all terrestrials, the third being the one they landed on, an asteroid belt, one Jovian-type gas giant, two Neptunian-type ice giants and a kuiper belt. The orbits weren't exceptionally precise, but it was better than nothing. The two innermost planets were visible shortly before or after sunset. Some members of the crew took pictures of the sunrise and sunsets with their omnitools and uploaded them onto the ship's public extranet server. Pictures with the planets visible in them helped her refine the orbits more precisely.

Kaidan came into the war room. "Hackett needs a word." His eyes were getting puffy and it was obvious he was holding back tears.

Traynor took Kaidan's hand in her own and squeezed. "Do you want me to..."

"Not keep the Admiral waiting?" He choked out the words. "Yeah. I'll be up... Come by for a drink when you're done. Go." His other hand was at his chest, holding his  -- and now she knew, one of Shepard's -- tags.

Traynor resisted the urge to cry. It had been an emotional couple of hours. She gathered herself together and went to the vidcomm.

"Admiral." She saluted.

"At ease, Specialist. I wanted to thank you personally for the work you've done and the contributions you've made: without you we would have lost those students from Grissom Academy to Cerberus and that would have been a big blow; not to mention those ex-Cerburus scientists your work helped rescue, plus all the work you did to keep the Normandy's War Room data feeds integrated and synchronized, keeping Shepard's information flow going and keeping him abreast of critical personnel matters, and last but certainly not least, you correctly deduced the location of Kai Leng. Without that intel we never would have got the information on the Catalyst. And without that information there was never a chance to win this war. Specialist Traynor, it's no exaggeration when I say your work directly helped defeat the Reapers, and countless billions owe you their lives, even if most of them will never know it. On behalf of the races represented by the people in this room, we salute you."

As Hackett saluted her, his image shrank as the camera angle widened to include the whole war room of his ship. Most of the people in his war room were human, but she could see a few salarians, and turians, a handful of asari, and good lord was that a batarian and a krogan? She swore she could make out a vorcha. All of them standing at attention, all saluting her.

She realized suddenly that she needed to return the salute. "I'm humbled and honored, Admiral, but a job well done is it's own reward."

"That it is, Specialist, that it is." Hackett broke the salute and the camera zoomed in on him again. She could hear people applauding in the background. "Shepard was proud of you then, and he'd be proud of you now."

"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir"

"Now if you don't mind, I'd like to talk about your future. You're a talented young woman at the beginning of her career. The Fleets have been decimated and we are going to have one hell of a task rebuilding. Anyone can push buttons or shoot a hostile or blindly follow rules and regulations or play it safe sitting behind a desk or working in a lab. But I need good officers, people who think and quesion and puzzle and reason things out. People who step up and find their courage because they know there's no other choice. I need the best who have learned from the best. And that sounds an awful lot like you, Specialist. The Alliance needs you to attend the Officer Candidate School after you help get the Normandy back to Earth, Specialist Traynor. Do you accept?"

"Yes, sir!"

"Excellent." Hackett activated his omni-tool. "Contigent on your entry to, and in anticipation of your successful completion of, the Officer Candidate Training Program, I, Admiral Steven Hackett of the Systems Alliance Navy do hereby confer upon you, Specialist Samantha Traynor, the provisional rank of Ensign. Congratulations Ensign Traynor. I'll have my XO help get the enrollment process started when you get back to us with that data about the planetary system the Normandy's stranded in."

"Actually, Admiral, I have that information available right now."

Hackett smiled. "Of course you do."

"I _like_ this one." A smooth voice said, out of camera range.

Hackett stepped out of frame. "My XO, Captain Barrett."

Captain Barrett smiled broadly as she came into view. "Hello, Ensign Traynor. I'm Captain Barrett. Pleasure to meet you."

From off camera she heard Hackett "Easy tiger."

"Captain Barret..." Barrett sounded a little like EDI. Traynor could feel herself blushing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to AntigravityDevice and their story The Space Between. It was the inspiration/source for my paraphrasing "If it happens ship-side it's known ship-wide."
> 
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/999721


	2. Ignorance is Bliss

When Admiral Hackett ordered the combined fleets to disengage right before the Crucible fired, the ranking Alliance officer on the Normandy was Major Kaidan Alenko. And technically that meant that the command of the ship fell to him in Shepard's absence, which made the CO's quarters his, which was convenient, since he had been living part-time out of those quarters for a couple of months anyway. His quarters, _their_ quarters -- his and Shepard's -- were dim, lit only by the calm blue light of the aquarium. He put down his glass on the desk in front of him and pulled on the chain that carried the mixed pair of tags. 'Alenko, Kaidan' read one, 'Shepard, John' read the other. Somewhere, tens, maybe hundreds, perhaps thousands of light years away, the pair of tags that matched his still hung around the neck of the man he loved. And from one moment to the next, he couldn't be sure whether John Shepard still lived.

He held Shepard's tag to his lips. "Love you, always." He whispered as he kissed the cold metal.

There was a knock at the door. "Kaidan?" Samantha Traynor called.

Kaidan brought up the lights and got up from the desk to open the door. "If it isn't our newly-minted Ensign. Good thing for you there's not a nearby ocean we can throw you into. Old naval traditions die hard, you know." He handed her the glass of whiskey that was waiting for her. "Congratulations, _Ensign_."

"Thank you, _Major_."

"On behalf of all the races represented by the people in this room," he raised his glass,  "we salute you!" Kaidan repeated Hackett's earlier words to Traynor.

"You're mocking my moment?!" Traynor's accent became utterly British. "You cheeky bastard! Wait. You were eavesdropping on me?"

"Couldn't possibly eavesdrop on you -- it's my ship. I can be anywhere I want to be."

"Well then you were eavesdropping on Admiral Hackett."

"Fair point, Ensign." He was silent for a moment, his thumb caressing the name embossed on Shepard's tag. "He'd be so proud of you if he were here to see right now. I'm proud of you." Kaidan raised his glass again. "May you always be true to your duty and the ideals that you serve."

"I'll drink to that" She clinked glasses with Kaidan and they both downed their drinks.

Kaidan moved to the couch. Traynor grabbed the bottle of whiskey and followed. She poured them both another glass as she sat down beside him.

"So, Shepard -- " she began.

"Not now, Sam. I can't."

"Okay. Well then..." She was silent for moment as she settled in to him, resting her head against his shoulder. "When Hackett gave me that salutation I was honored, sure, but, I felt, not not proud... Oh wow this is tough to put into words"

"Work through it, Sam. You'll get there."

"I was proud, but it was also very humbling. And now I feel sort of, obligated? bound? required? driven? Uhm, now that I see what I'm capable of doing and the difference I can make, I guess..."

"Bound seems to fit best" Kaidan offered.

"Bound to give that level of service every day, not just for the sake of the living, but to honor the lives of those who died fighting to give us the chance to win."

"That level of service every day isn't sustainable. You'd burn out in a month." Kaidan mused.

"Not going all-out all the time, giving everything all the time, but... always being open to _being in_ _that moment_ like when I figured out Cerberus was going after Grissom Academy or when I figured out where Kai Leng went, or..."  
  
"When you rescued the Normandy from the clutches of Shepard's evil clone with your six thousand credit toothbursh?"

"Exactly. Ensign Samantha Traynor, saving the galaxy with her trusty Cision Pro Mark Four." She laughed, and then took a few moments to think. "Now I realize that when those opportunities, decisions, crises, present themselves I can make a difference." Traynor was silent for a few minutes, eased back into the couch, leaning into Kaidan's side, feeling very satisfied with herself. But then she had a sudden realization. "But I'm not perfect. No one is. Sometimes I'll make the wrong decision. Make a bad call..."

"Yes, you will. And?" Kaidan prompted.

"And people will die."

"Yes. And sometimes people die when you make the right decision. Sometimes," he thought of Ashley Williams and the guilt and grief that he and Shepard shared over her death, "people are going to die no matter what decision you make. Shit tasks roll downhill. Shit decisions, up."

There was another long silence. It was broken by the sound of Samantha Traynor crying. She buried herself into Kaidan's side.

"Finally figured it out?" Kaidan's voice was soft, his hand tracing small circles on her back, trying to be some comfort to her.

Traynor sat up. "When Hackett honored me by saying I'd helped save all those lives by helping defeat the Reapers, what he was also saying was that I bore a share of the responsibility for the deaths of those that gave their lives in that last battle because my actions helped set it in motion. Yeah, I just got that part."

"And now for the real kick in the teeth. If you had known then what you know now, would you have made the same decision?"

"Yes." Her voice was barely a whisper, but there was no hesitation or uncertainty in it. She wiped away her tears and poured them both another drink and raised her glass. "Hail the victorious dead."

"Hail the victorious dead." he repeated.

She emptied her glass and curled up into Kaidan's side.

"Welcome to the Systems Alliance Officer Corp, young lady." He took a sip of whiskey and kissed the top of her head.


	3. Dreams and Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Parts of this chapter quote directly or obviously reference scenes in Mass Effect 3  
> My Fair Use rationale for including these parts of a copyrighted work are:  
> 1) The nature of my work is non-commercial; I am not trying to derive profit from this work, nor am I attempting to deprive the copyright holder of profit or the right to profit from this work.  
> 2) The amount of copyrighted material used is so small as to be insubstantial  
> 3) The inclusion of this material does not in any way harm the copyright holder's ability to exploit their work.

Her dreams were never this rich. Neither the colors nor the sounds had ever been this vivid. Even smells and touch were as sharp and clear as the moment that they happened, as if she were reliving them all over again.

"I'm honored to serve under you Commander. For as long as you need me, that is. They only sent me here to oversee the retrofits..."

EDI interrupted. God how she missed the sound of EDI's voice. "Shepard, some of our systems require further testing, and Specialist Traynor has been extremely effective during installation. I would prefer that she remain."

Shepard didn't bat an eyelash of his piercing blue eyes. "Got it, EDI." Shepard's eye were stunningly blue. And his eyelashes were so full.

"Wait," Traynor's suspicion was obvious in her tone, "since when does a _virtual_ intelligence make requests?"

"EDI's an AI," Shepard said matter-of-factly, "fully self-aware."

Traynor relived the moment her suspicions about EDI were confirmed. "Oh, I knew it! I knew Joker was lying." Traynor smiled at the memory of truly meeting EDI. The happiness she felt was real, even if it was only a memory in a dream. She pulled herself in closer to Kaidan's side, his cheek resting on the top of her head.

The scene in her dream shifted.

"Wait a moment -- you're telling me that part of your AI core is based on technology Cerberus derived from reverse-engineered Reaper tech?" Samantha was stunned that EDI would make her privy to such sensitive information. "Isn't that information a little bit, well, a lot, above my pay grade?"

"Shepard instructed me to give you access to any information I deemed necessary for you to work to your optimum potential." EDI's voice gave her a thrill. "While the origins of the technology are not relevant to understanding how the technology functions, I still felt it preferable to disclose this information now."

Traynor was a little puzzled because she couldn't understand EDI's intentions. "Why did I need to know this?"

"Given your education and technical expertise, I calculated that it was highly probable that you would easily deduce that the technology of my AI core is advanced far beyond anything the Alliance or even other Council races currently possess. Upon your realization of these facts, I did not wish you to conclude that I was deliberately withholding information from you, lest you further conclude I harbored duplicitous or malicious intent."

"So you're trying to demonstrate that I can _trust_ you?" Traynor was positively giddy at the thought. An artificial intelligence, a completely different form of life, far more intelligent than herself, wanted her trust. It wanted a _connection_.

"Yes, Specialist Traynor, that is my intent." There was short pause while Samantha peered with a work light into one of EDI's processing nodes. "Specialist Traynor, are you alright?"

"Yes, EDI, I'm fine. Why do you ask?"

"Thermal imaging indicates a 0.5 degree Centigrade increase in your overall body temperature, with localized areas of maximuml thermal increase in your lips and cheeks. Such increased overall thermal emissions are usually indicative of either a biological disease processes, which I am tasked with monitoring and reporting to the Normandy's medical officer when detected; or a state of increased emotional arousal. Since you have indicated that you are not feeling ill, then am I correct in my conclusion that you are in a state of increased emotional arousal?"

She couldn't exactly lie to EDI, well, she could, but it wouldn't 'demonstrate trust' on her part. Traynor laughed. "It's called 'blushing' EDI. But yes, it is a state of 'increased emotional arousal.'"

"Why would you be emotionally aroused?"

"Because if you were human, I'd say that you were demonstrating that you want to be my friend. And that makes me feel good."

"But I am not human."

"But you are a _person_ , EDI. Dr. T'Soni isn't human, but she and Commander Shepard are friends. The same with Shepard and Garrus, and Garrus and Liara. Different species, but all people, all friends."

"But they are all organic."

"So?"

"Organic intelligences from disparate planets may have evolved seperately, but the laws of natural selection are essentially the same where ever organic life arises. The most adaptable species proliferate, radiate, mutate. As those species change over time, so to do their environments, often in unpredicatble ways, so new conditions favor different species; what was once most successful in one enviroment may no longer be so in another. Since these processes are entirely random, evolution takes different paths to solve the same problems of survival, but usually converges at congruent, but not identical, solutions. Evolution tends to produce organic intelligences which are different in their physical composition, but share similar patterns of the intangible qualities of sapience: language, social heirarchies, kinship bonds, abstract thought, self-awareness."

Traynor considered for a moment. "You possess all those intangible qualities, don't you? For instance, we're talking. You're using language."

"Yes, but what you perceive as the sound of my voice facilitating the exhange of information is not representative of the fundamental nature of my thought processes. At their most basic level my thoughts and memories can be reduced to digital ones and zeroes and qubits."

"The same is true for me, EDI. The information conveyed by the sound of my voice is not the same thing as the thoughts and feelings which occur when I express them with my voice. And at their most basic my thoughts and memories can also be reduced to discrete electrical impulses which in some circumstances produce non-deterministic outputs."

"I had not considered that perspective."

"That realization right there demonstrates self-awareness and the capacity for abstract thought. You obey orders, and can fulfill requests for information, and you can even make requests of others so that your needs can be fulfilled, and you can form bonds with members of the crew."

"While my programming directs me to observe and conform to the 'social hierarchy' embodied by the Systems Alliance structure of military ranks and protocols, I do not believe I possess 'kinship bonds.'"

"Why not?"

"Because I have no 'kin.' I was constructed, I did not arise from an act of procreation."

"So? While in its strictest sense, 'kin' is defined by a genetic relation between individuals, a looser definition allows for close, voluntary associations of individuals. Friends."

"But since the manner by which I came into existence is unique, I may not even possess the synthetic equivalent of 'kinship bonds,' or if I do, it may not conform to a pattern which is compatible with organic intelligences."

"EDI? Are you saying that you don't want to be my friend?" Traynor's voice was playful.

"Not at all Specialist. I would prefer to get a better grasp of organics' understanding of the concept before making that determination, so as to avoid causing you, or anyone else aboard the Normandy, an undue negative cognitive response should my particular pattern of kinship bonds prove to be incompatible between organics and synthetics."

"You don't want to risk hurting my feelings?"

"Correct."

"I'd say the prelimary evidence for compatibility is quite favorable, EDI."

"Thank you, Specialist. May I ask how you reached that conclusion?"

"You expressed a desire, or as you would put it, a priority which when engaged or fulfilled produces positive feedback, to avoid producing a negative feedback in another intelligence. That's called 'consideration.' That's part of successfully interacting and cooperating with other intelligent beings -- considering how your words and actions can effect them."

"I see."

"EDI, you are asking other people for their input, aren't you? I mean, you do speak to other people about these issues, right?"

"Yes, I do. Would you prefer that I refrain from asking you further questions?"

"No. No. No. Oh heavens no. I enjoy speaking to you a great deal. I just want to make sure that you're getting more than one perspective on these issues."

"Why?"

"Because I'm not perfect, I make mistakes, I may get the answer wrong, and so far as members of my species go, I am still young, and have not had as much experience as older members of the crew, say, Dr. Chakwas, or Major Alenko, or Engineer Adams, or Lieutenant Cortez, or Commander Shepard. I wish Admiral Andersen were here. He would love talking to you. I guess what I'm saying is that it's good to have a wide pool of shared knowledge and experience from which to draw. What has Joker had to say about these things when you ask him?"

"I have asked Jeff, but he said he doesn't think he can have a 'deep' conversation at the moment."

"What about Commander Shepard?" Traynor suggested helpfully.

"I speak to Shepard when I judge he has the time to spare. I would prefer not to interrupt Shepard at the moment. He seems distracted."

"How so?"

"His vital signs indicate that he has a moderate level of anxiety, but his actions and body language seems to suggest -- anticipation."

"That's odd. The only thing he's got scheduled this afternoon is lunch with Major Alenko." Traynor offered.

"Yes, 'odd.' Shepard's physiologic reactions to his interactions with Major Alenko are anomolous. They do not conform to established patterns Shepard normally produces when he interacts with other people. For instance, Shepard's pulse, respiration, and dermal galvanic response prior to a planned interaction with Major Alenko are typical of a fight or flight response, which is normally indicative of strong personal aversion, but Shepard does not try to avoid Major Alenko; on the contrary, he seems to seek him out. At times when Shepard is in proximity to Major Alenko, his physiologic responses indicate a state of deep calm or relaxation. Also, for the duration of our missions investigating the Collectors, Shepard had a picture of Major Alenko on his desk. But even after an unexpected encounter with the the Major on Horizon he did not remove or change the picture, although by his own account the reunion was not as amicable as he had desired. He even seemed exceptionally distressed by it. Further, at the Mars Archives Shepard's vital signs were elevated, but well within his established norms during battle until the moment Major Alenko was critically injured by the Cerberus infiltration unit. Shepard's vitals then spiked well outside his established normals and remained far above normal until Major Alenko was admitted to Huerta Memorial Hospital. They did not fully return to normal until Shepard received notice that Major Alenko's condition had been stabilized and would recover. Whatever the nature of the attachment Shepard has for Major Alenko, it appears to be quite strong."

"It's called 'love' EDI."

Her dream shifted again. This time the world seemed muted and drained of color. She saw Shepard. She was amazed. Relieved. Her heart broke all over again. She had seen Shepard die two years ago when the Normandy was destroyed. And now here he was again, standing in front of her, everything she loved and admired wearing a uniform that was everything she despised. She felt betrayed. How could he not let her know he was alive? He died and she tried to move on but couldn't. She always went back to the night before they arrived at Ilos. That night meant everything to her. Shepard was over her, her hands running through his close-cropped hair, his mouth on hers, those blue eyes so steady, and so open, and so real.

"You see me for the man that I am," Shepard said to her, "not the hero everyone wants me to be."

"You make me feel human." She'd said back to him. She remembered how she'd accidentally killed Vyrnnus while trying to defend Rahna; how Rahna had never looked at her the same again, how Rahna would never trust her again. Human biotics were viewed with suspicion by 'normal' humans, and now even other biotics shunned her. She was a freak even to the freaks.

It was the night before the attack on Cerberus Headquarters. "I only came by for a quick drink" She said. "Five minutes. Give me five minutes." Shepard gave her a knowing look. _Please give me the rest of your life_ , she thought, _and I will give you mine_.  He needed her support now more than ever. "It's gonna be what it's gonna be." She reached out and took Shepards hands and kissed them, and then he was in her, over her. She let go and the blue fire of her biotics enveloped them both. She put her hands to his face and pulled him down for a kiss. "I want a life with you. I want a life with you forever, after this is done."

"I know." He said as he kissed her ear. "Me too."

And then they were on Earth. "This is it." She said to him. "We both know the score. This is... goodbye." Shepard went to leave and she put out her arm and stopped him.

She grabbed the chain around her neck and pulled it off. She looked Shepard in the eyes. He nodded and grabbed the chain around his neck and pulled his off. Their gloved fingers fumbled, each removing one of the tags from their respective chains.

She offered him her tag.

He took her tag and slipped it on his chain. "I do." He said.

He offered her his tag.

She took his tag and sliiped it on her chain. "I do." She said.

He leaned in and kissed her. "I'm gonna fight like hell for the chance to hold you again."

They were almost at the beam up to the Citadel. They had fought like hell to get here. They had lost so many in the final push. It started raining. A blast from the Reaper sent a heavy armored vehicle flying through the air. It nearly crushed her and Vega. She couldn't go on. Vega couldn't go on. Shepard called in Normandy for an evac.

"Shepard!" She protested. Not wanting to leave. "Don't leave me behind." She pleaded. Shepard was sending her away, to safety, while he went off to die.

Shepard moved closer. Her heart was pounding so hard she thought it would burst out of her amror. She struggled against Vega, trying to get out of his grip so she could die with the man she loved.  Shepard leaned in and cradled her chin. "No matter what happens, know that I love you, always, Kaidan."

Traynor's eye snapped open and the scream that tried to come out her mouth died in her throat, like the air outside her mouth was trying to rush in to fill the void that had suddenly ripped open inside her.

The CO's quarters were filled with bright blue light as Kaidan's uncontrolled biotic fire washed over them both. Kaidan opened his eyes and he grasped for the tags around his neck but found Traynor's hand in his instead. And the emptiness inside of him nearly crushed him.

She let go of the tags, and the wail clawing its way out of her throat finally emerged as she sat up on the couch where she had been sleeping and dreaming with Kaidan. Grief washed over her. She did not know it was possible to feel like this and continue living. She knew this was where Kaidan lived every night. Every night it was this same dream. These same memories playing out over over and over again in his mind.

Kaidan was unnervingly calm and still as his biotics subsided.

His voice was so quiet. "I'm so sorry Sam. I can't... I should have known better than to let you... I'm..." His trailed off.

"Is all that real? All that is what actually happened?" She asked.

"Yeah." He said hoarsely.

She could remember the events like they had happened to her. "You... Two years? Wouldn't move on? Couldn't move on?"

"He... we... saw each other... as we really are... for who we really are... no one else before... for either of us... everybody else just wanted us for the things they wanted from us... all we wanted were the things we could give to each other." Kaidan inhaled deeply a few times. "And that's why Hackett's not punishing me. 'That's the why of the rule.' Hackett told me. There's no punishment the Alliance can mete out to punish me for fraternizing that's as severe as what I live with now."

Traynor gently kissed Kaidan's forehead. "Yeah. I know." She said softly, and she did know. "Let's get you to bed." She went to a drawer and pulled out some old sweats. She changed into them quickly.

"What are you doing?"

"You shouldn't be alone tonight. Neither of us should." She threw him a pair of sweat pants and gave him a smile "Get into your PJ's. Now, soldier!"

"Ma'am, yes ma'am!" Kaidan managed a smile, even though they both knew it was hollow, stripped down and put on the sweat pants.

She climbed into the middle of the bed, careful not to occupy the gentle hollow where Shepard used to sleep. Kaidan reached down and opened a drawer under the bed and pulled out one of Shepard's pillows. As he slid into bed, he put the pillow between them, and pulled the covers up over the both of them. As they drifted off to sleep, they both buried their faces into the pillow and inhaled deeply, trying to capture whatever scent was left of the man that was now a void in both of their hearts.


	4. Secrets and Lullabies

As Traynor fell asleep, Kaidan's memories receded from her mind. She drifted off, thinking of EDI, thinking of Shepard, wondering how Kaidan managed to keep it together despite... she let go of the thought, knowing instantly the torment it would lead her to if she chose to follow. Her mind wandered. She thought of Horizon, and her mother and father, and thought back to the day her maternal grandmother had come to Horizon for the first time. Sam was so happy to meet her other grandmother, the woman whose visits were filled with bedtime stories and picnic lunches. Sam could smell ginger and molasses. The scents were so real, like she was living the day over again, and she remembered her grandmother teaching her how to bake gingersnaps. She was so happy then, back when the only monsters were in fairy tales, and the heroes and heroines always got their happily ever after when the monsters had finally been slain. The memory faded as sleep finally came.

She felt like she was dreaming. She knew she wasn't, but she knew she wasn't awake. She was half-aware of something on the edge of her consciousness. There was the smell of ginger and molasses again. And then the memory of her grandmother teaching her to bake cookies returned. And then there was another smell, not something from childhood, but something more recent, new but familiar too, gun oil and eezo, sweat and biotic fields. She was roused from her sleep by a bright blue light. She opened her eyes to see biotic fire rippling all over Kaidan's body. His face twisted in agony, tears came from his closed eyes. "Don't leave me behind. Please! Not without me! Waited for you, forever for you. I love you, too." He buried his mouth deeper into Shepard's old pillow and gasped for air and his body shook as if the whole of it were sobbing. Sam's hand found its way to his shoulder and her fingers brushed his cheek. His body settled as his sorrow seemed to ease. Kaidan's eyes slowly opened and he saw her watching him.

Sam looked at the clock. They had barely slept a full hour. While still night on this world of thirty-six-hour days, it was getting to be time some people started to get hungry. She thought it might be best to get an early pre-dawn snack and get a jump on the day off the Major had ordered for everyone.

"How about if we get up and get something to eat?" She suggested.

"You know, maybe that's not such a bad idea." Kaidan agreed. "But you can't wear my old sweats, though. People will start to wonder if I'm trying to work my way through the whole crew. Meet me in the mess in five? I'll have coffee waiting." He almost turned his head back to her for a quick kiss on the cheek before getting out of bed, the way that he and Shepard had almost made a habit of. Kaidan swung his legs over the side of the bed and leaned down to grab a t-shirt from a drawer under the bed. He pulled it on and then Shepard's N7 hoodie and his best fuzzy slippers.

She quickly changed back into the clothes she had been wearing earlier and they both walked out the door, into the elevator, and down to the crew deck.

"Did you hear that?" She said as the elevator doors opened.

"No. What am I listening for?"

"I don't know. It sounded like... I don't know, it sounded like... cheering?"

"Don't hear it. I'll ge the coffee started."

As Kaidan made his way to the mess, he saw that the lights were on in the Med Bay. He looked in, and saw Doctor Chakwas at her desk. He put some coffee on to brew and made his way to see why the Doctor was up so early.

"Thirty-six hour rotation period or no, I'm stuck on a strictly twenty-four hour day. Old stick in the mud, I suppose."

Kaidan scoffed. "You are many things my good Doctor, but you are no stick in the mud. Do you want some coffee? I made a fresh pot. And here at Cafe Alenko we offer delivery service."

As he asked he could see Traynor come around the corner and head for the mess.

"Yes, that would be lovely, Major. Thank you. Black, if you don't mind." Chakwas answered.

"Black it is." He turned to go.

"Major? Did you hear that?"

Kaidan stopped and turned back to Doctor Chakwas, "No, Doctor, I didn't hear any--"

Through the med bay windows he saw Liara come around the corner of the hall that led to her quarters, walking briskly towards the main battery with a grimly determined look on her face, her elegant white silk night-robe whipping behind her like a flag caught in a stiff breeze. Underneath she wore the dull gray of Alliance sweats.

Through the windows he could also see Traynor looking very puzzled as Liara swiftly passed her by. Kaidan look at Sam. He pointed after Liara and mouthed the words "What?"

Traynor shrugged her shoulders and mouthed back "Don't know." She suddenly turned her head towards Liara's destination and then sprinted down the hall.

Kaidan and Chakwas ran out of the med bay and followed Traynor.

"Open this goddess-damned door!" Liara shouted. She hit the controls to open the door and it didn't respond. She raised her arm and brought her fist down firmly on the door. The sound of her blows echoed across the deck.

"Goodness," Chakwas exclaimed. "and here I thought the asari's biotic strength was impressive!"

"Open this --"

"Easy, Liara" Kaidan got between her and the door before she could strike it again. Now that he stood closer he could hear it. Singing.

Kaidan hit the controls. Being the ranking officer on board meant nothing was locked to him.

The door to the main battery opened. Kaidan, Chakwas, Liara, and Traynor all covered their noses as they recoiled from the stench. "What the hell! What died? Goddess! Ewww!"

Sprawled out over the main battery were Garrus, Joker, Donnelly, Vega, Cortez, and Javik. All drinking. All singing. All drunk.

 

 

 

 

> Be all my sins remembered  
>  long after my bones are dust  
>  for they're the only thing to prove I was here  
>  for some day, to die, I must  
>   
>  Be all my sins remembered  
>  long after my bones are dust  
>  how quickly forgotten after my flesh is gone  
>  are my friends, my loves, my lusts  
>   
>  Be all my sins remembered  
>  as they damn me with their praise  
>  long would I sleep the sleep of the victorious and the just  
>  in the silence of my grave!

 "To Shepard!" They all toasted.

"Loco." Vega added.

"That has always been my favorite prothean drinking song." Javik announced.

"Wait. Wait. Wait." Garrus slurred. "What? That is not prothean!" Garrus protested. "That is an old turian drinking... song."

"Yeah. You tell him Scars!" Vega cheered. Cortez chuckled quietly, leaning his head forward so his chin came to rest on Vega's shoulder.

Joker looked up at Kaidan. "Holy cow! Commander! Garrus is drunk. I mean Kaidan. I mean Major." Joker giggled as he leaned back against Garrus' armor. Joker punched the armor lightly. "You're the best shot on the ship, Garrus."

"And you, Joker..." Garrus' words were halting and he trailed off as if he couldn't remember what he wanted to say. "Are _the_ best damned Alliance frigate pilot on this whole damned planet."

"I'm the _only_ frigate pilot on this planet."

"Exact... Exactly."

Joker laughed so hard there were tears in his eyes. The other drunks screamed and cheered with raucous laughter.

"Wait!" Vega protested. He sat up straight, his back no longer resting against Cortez's chest. "Esteban is the best damned pilot on this planet."

"He said 'frigate' pilot, Mister Vega. And technically that makes joker a helmsman." Cortez was calm. "I am qualified on shuttles and fighters, ships you have to fly by yourself, _without_ the help of a computer."

The challenge was met with a low round of "Oohs."

Sitting between Cortez's legs, Vega settled back, his back coming to rest again on Cortez's chest. He pulled Cortez's arms around him. Vega noticed one of Javik's eyes staring at him. It was one of Javik's upper eyes; it was a hunting eye, Javik had admitted once. The upper hunting eyes could be independently directed and focused, so as to not let additional prey slip by unnoticed, or to keep a lookout for larger animals or competitors, if the lower eyes already had a target.

"I _can see_ one of your eyes on me. Something you'd like to say, Crabcakes?" Vega challenged Javik.

Javik turned and looked at Vega with all four eyes. "Nothing that your pheromones have not already said." Javik laughed.

"Huh?" Vega didn't know what Javik was getting at. He let it drop.

There was a silence. Donnelly hated silence.

"So Mr. Vega," Donnelly began. Through the course of their drinking, they learned that whenever Donnelly started off with 'So, Mister...' he was about to give them all a very good laugh. All the drunks snapped to drunken attention. "I have noticed a very curious exception to your habit of handing out nicknames..."

Liara's patience was running short. She couldn't handle being ignored any longer. "You drunken halfwits have kept me up half the goddess damned night and..."

"And she has a name!" Javik interrupted, loud and deadly serious. "It's Liara T'Soni, and she would appreciate if you used it!"

That was met with more cheers and laughter.

Donnelly leaned over and patted the shoulder of Javik's armor. "Now, now. You don't interrupt a lady when she's speaking to you." His head wobbled a bit but he managed to look Liara in the eye for a few seconds at least. "Now what were you saying, madam?"

"I said" Liara spoke through her teeth, her eyes narrowing. "You dunken halfwits have kept me up half the night with your screeching and singing."

"Well you should have come to us earlier, then. We would have happily obliged you." Donnelly helpfully offered.

"I did come to you earlier." Liara was loud, but still very much in control.

"No, no. No. Don't think so. No. Would have remembered you. Beautiful face like yours, skin as blue as a cloudless summer sky, voice as bright and beautiful as a church bell ringing out on a clear Sunday morning in spring. No. I would have remembered if you had, Doctor Shadow Broker, ma'am."

Seeing the barely contained look of anger on Liara's face, Donnelly and his companions let loose with another round of raucous laughter.

Joker caught his breath and looked up. "Come on Liara, that's like the... " he started counting something out on his fingers "third worst-kept secret on the Normandy."

Doctor Chakwas put a hand on Liara's shoulder before Liara could step forward. Chakwas' voice was quiet. "You know, a very old and dear friend of mine was an information broker, and he once told me that the best information you could have about someone was information they wouldn't remember giving you once they had sobered up."

"A very wise friend, Doctor." Liara said.

Kaidan was becoming irritated. "Third worst-kept secret? What are the first two, Mr. Moreau?"

Joker looked up, suddenly remembering that Kaidan was there. Unable to meet Kaidan's gaze for long, he looked down in mock shame but then shielded his eyes with his hand and laughed. "I can't remember the first two because I just discovered that the fourth worst-kept secret on the Normandy is that you're not wearing any underwear right now."

The main battery room exploded in laughter.

Vega looked up at Kaidan, looked down to Kaidan's crotch briefly, then back up to his face. "Wow! That's... Good for you, Major! Good for you."

Somehow, all the drunks managed to laugh even louder and harder.

Kaidan went white with rage. Sam patted his shoulder to calm him down. Liara, suprisingly, patted his ass, and then pinched it. She giggled a little.

Chakwas said quietly, under her breath so that only Kaidan, Liara, and Sam could hear her. "Don't let them think you've joined in the fun. Ignore them, and they'll eventually forget about you."

As the laughter subsided, Donnelly returned to his mission. "As I was saying Mr. Vega, I have noticed a curious exception to your pattern of dispensing of nicknames to the members of this crew."

"Some people don't match their names, so I give them new ones."

"No, you give everyone a nickname, except for one. There's Scars, and Crabcakes, and..." Donnelly giggled, "and what did you call Joker again?"

"Yeah, what did you call me?" Joker demanded.

"Crashy?"

"Oh really? Fuck you Vega, with the shuttle you crashed into and the shuttle you crashed into it with. Wait. What? Yeah. That!"

More laughter.

"And me, me you've called many a thing, Mouthy, among them. Oh wait, you even have a nickname for the Major."

"Does he, now?" Kaidan's eyes narrowed.

"Don't make me say it." Vega pleaded sheepishly.

"I'm all ears, Mr. Vega."

Vega remained silent, but his comrades in drink egged him on, chanting "Say it! Say it! Say it!"

"Fine," Vega relented. He looked Kaidan in the eye and mumbled something.

"I couldn't hear you, Mr. Vega?"

"Duro." He said only slightly louder.

"I couldn't quite hear that. What did you say?"

"Duro! Duro! Okay? It means tough, resilient." Vega's brow furrowed and he could barely meet Kaidan's eyes. "Any man would have to be. To be handed what this crap war has handed you and not break." His lips twisted and he closed his eyes. Vega raised his glass. "Loco and Duro!" He toasted.

"Loco and Duro!" They repeated, none of them able to meet Kaidan's eye, except for Cortez. Cortez could empathize with what Kaidan was feeling. 

Unable to bear the seriousness of the moment, Donnelly had to open his mouth. "Speaking of the first worst kept secret on the Normandy."

There was more laughter.

"Just for that, Donnelly, if you are ever caught in Turian space, I will have you brought to our capital, stripped naked, bound to a pole, and you will be slowly pecked to death by the largest, meanest, ugliest bird on Palaven." Garrus mockingly threatened.

Donnelly didn't miss a beat. "Garrus, that's very kind to offer to set me up on a blind date with your sister, but I must decline."

"Not so fast there, Donnelly." Joker began. "You never know, there might be some pretty sweet perks being married to the under-primarch's sister."

"Boo! Joker! Boo! You told!"

"That's right, that was the second..."

Three of the sober people turned to the fourth. Liara nodded her head slightly.

"Shut your gob. So, as I was saying Mr. Vega, about that curious exception to your dispensing of the nicknames, we have Scars, and Crabcakes, and Crashy, and Mouthy, and Loco and Duro, but for some reason there is someone in this room for whom you do not have a nickname..."

"OOOOH!" The drunks waited for Donnelly to pounce.

"I wouldn't nickname myself, even I'm not that in love with myself."

"Your muscles say otherwise." Donnelly snorted.

More laughter. Then a long, awkward silence.

"Wait, _Esteban_? That _is_ his nickname." Vega sounded puzzled.

"No, it's not."

"His name is Steve. So I nicknamed him 'Esteban.'"

"That's not a nickname, that's _his_ name, just said in _your tongue_." Donnely giggled.

"Well yeah, 'Esteban' just sounds so much better than 'Steve.' Steve is just dull and shapeless, it sounds like a thud when you say it. But Esteban, now _Estaban,_ " Vega gave Cortez's thigh a firm squeeze, "that name is powerful, it's sexy, it just rolls off the tongue."

"Well now, Mr. Vega, I'm very sure your would like nothing more than to roll powerful, sexy Esteban off your tongue."

"And there's the fourth!" Joker screamed in laughter.

"No that would be the fifth worst-kept secret." Donnelly corrected. He pointed at Kaidan. "The fourth is Major Commando over there."

The room burst into laughter, and a few hoots and screams. Joker and Garrus collapsed onto each other. Vega was laughing along, but his cheeks were beet red.

"Kenneth!" A sharp voice pierced the raucous laughter. And even the sober people were startled.

"It's a harpy!" Donnelly cried. "She's here for my blood. Hide me."

"And there's the sixth." Javik announced.

The room continued laughing.

Gabby Daniels pushed forward. "I'm sorry, Major. This is my fault.  I told Kenneth he could take one liter of the..." The smell of six drunken males of various species in a confined space finally hit her. She pinched her nose. "Ewww! Gods! What have you boys been rolling in? Vinegar and farts? Oh! That's it! You're all done. All of you! Up! To your bunks! NOW!"


	5. A Journey of 1,000 Miles...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 千里一步  
> "A journey of one thousand miles begins with but a single step."  
> \-- Lao Zi (老子)

"I have good news, Major. Ensign Traynor's instincts were spot on. We found you. The system you went down in was surveyed by remote flyby about three years after the reactivation of the Sol relay. We verified the location by using some background starfield images Ensign Traynor sent along with the system data. That young lady is sharp, even after taking into account her academic record." Hackett paused for a moment. "The bad news is the distance."

"Our fuel tanks aren't large enough to make the return journey without refueling."

"Exactly. There are no inhabited systems between you and home, and even if there were, the Reapers pretty much wiped out all the refueling stations. And the relay nearest to you, that we know of at least, is the Sol relay itself, and that's still under repair. But there's still good news. You have one of the quarian's admirals on board, as well as the Turian Hierachy's next-in-line to the office of Primarch. And both of the those peoples are anxious to get their own back safe and sound. To say nothing of the goodwill Shepard and the Normandy have bought us with just about every species."

"I'm not sure I follow, Admiral."

"All the ships of the combined fleet that survived Sword and Shield returned to Sol with us from the rally point. That includes the turians and the quarian heavy  and patrol fleets. The quarians and turians are willing to send a few of their own ships, along with some of ours, to meet you. They'll bring with them enough fuel to get the Normandy home, and they'll have food Admiral Zorah and General Vakarian can eat. I'm sure they're tired of nutrient paste by now." Hackett's tone was almost warm.

Kaidan laughed. "Yes, sir. They very much are. That's excellent news. We could use a resupply of provisions as well; Dr. Chakwas has some reservations about consuming the local flora and fauna."

"Understood. We'll need you to select a rendezvous point where the joint task force can meet you. And then the only remaining task is to get the Normandy spaceworthy and underway. My XO is forwarding the relevant data to you now." Hackett's demenaor returned to his standard seriousness. "Have you informed the crew about Shepard, yet?"

"No, sir. I'm going to wait until we're back in the air and on our way home before I tell them. Data transmission received, Admiral."

"Acknowledged. I understand." Hackett's lowered his voice, as if he didn't want the dozens of people in his own war room to over hear him. "How are you holding up, Major?"

"Good, Admiral. I've commanded larger-sized groups than this, never a ship though, but everyone here knows their jobs, so I'm just keeping the seat warm 'til we get back home and the Normandy gets a real CO."

"Don't sell yourself short, Major. But that wasn't what I was referring to."

"I'm fine Admiral. Shepard and I didn't do that lightly, we knew the odds we were facing. That's why we needed to do it, so we wouldn't have any regrets hanging over our heads; nothing to make us doubt or hesitate at the wrong time."

"Understood. But it's not that simple and it's not that easy."

"No. Sir. But you just bear it and go on. No other option, really"

"Right. When can I expect a decision on the rendezvous point?"

"Next scheduled check-in. I want to give Moreau and Traynor time to plot a course and double-check it; suitable systems where we can discharge our core, potential hazards along the way, places to set down if need be. I also want to give Engineer Adams an opportunity to lock down the time on our remaining repairs."

"Excellent. We've got a team here plotting out a course for you as well. We'll compare notes next time. I'll get an update on Shepard's condition for you, too."

"Thank you, sir."

"Hackett out."

* * *

Traynor's voice came over the Normandy's PA. "Lieutenant Moreau to the CIC. Lieutenant Moreau, CIC." She looked at Kaidan. "This is incredibly cruel of you."

"Yes," Kaidan laughed, "yes it is. First worst-kept secret on the Normandy?"

Traynor blushed as she giggled. "Well, they do have a point..."

Kaidan leaned in close to Traynor, his voice a conspiratorial whisper. "And here I was thinking that the worst kept secret was that the Normandy was having sex with its own pilot."

"Major!" She tried her best not to laugh, but failed.  The few heads that were present in the Normandy CIC stole glances their way. Tranynor buried her head in her hands. "You are awful!" She mocked in a low hiss. Traynor resumed her work, zooming in on the galaxy map with the data Hackett sent them. The 'realistic' colors of the stars and nebulae were replaced with a few bright, basic colors: green, blue, white, and red.

"What's that?" Kaidan said, pointing to a green blob sitting squarely in their direct-line path to Sol.

"Interstellar dust cloud. Looks dense, too. Can't fly through that."

"Why not?"

"When the Normandy is traveling at FTL, every time it hits something, say, a lone atom or molecule or grain of interstellar dust, that atom or molecule or dust grain has a very small, but non-zero chance of getting caught up in our mass effect field, and if it does it adds to the total mass our drive core is moving: the mass of the Normandy and everything and everyone on board, plus whatever gets caught up along the way."

"So passing through dense enough cloud of gas or dust  while in FTL --"

Traynor finished Kaidan's thought " -- could potentially double or triple the Normandy's mass in a matter of seconds. If we accreted too much mass too quickly, the drive core would fail, and we would drop out of FTL catastrophically."

"So, no dust clouds."

"No, no dust clouds." Traynor agreed.

Kaidan studied the hologram intently. "It's a moot point anyway, that dust cloud looks to be about the halfway point to Sol, and that's way beyond our range given the size of Normandy's fuel tanks, even if they were completely full. Where the hell is Joker?!?!"

"Probably throwing up, given how drunk he was last night. Or wishing he were dead."

"Wishing I were dead." Joker said.

"Joker, thanks for joining us. I have a job for you."

"Really, Major? I thought you gave us all the day off."

"Circumstances have changed. You're gonna help Traynor plot us a course back to Earth."

Joker's face, which up to this point was a sickly shade of gray-green, lit up. "You got our location! How?"

"Don't worry about the 'how' right now, Joker. Just chart us a course home. Get him up to speed, Sam, but keep it need-to-know, nothing more. Joker, you're not to repeat a word she tells you. Understood?"

"Yes, sir."

"Sam, where's Engineer Adams?"

Traynor pulled up the location of Adam's omni-tool. "Engineering, of course."

"I give everyone a day off and everyone shows up to work anyway. Lovely. I'm off to Engineering, then. Sam, call me if you need me."

Joker waited until the elevator doors had closed, taking Kaidan off the deck. "So what did Hackett say after you got the vidcomm working?" His tone was as non-chalant as he could make it.

"I would say that it's a safe bet that _if_ I did get the vidcomm working and hadn't said anything about it yet, then I had probably been ordered to stay quiet about it until a superior officer had a chance to assess our condition, consult with Hackett, and then make an announcement."

"Come on, Traynor. It's a small ship and we're running on a skeleton crew as is. I'm not so hung over that before I got to the CIC I didn't hear that you and Kaidan have been in and out of the vidcomm room half a dozen times since last night. That's like _the_ \--"

" _The_ worst kept secret on the Normandy?" Traynor smiled as she said it. "Well, the Major may disagree with you on what is _the_ first worst kept secret in this ship, Lieutenant. Perhaps you two should discuss it when he returns."

Joker's complexion returned to a sickly gray-green.

"Unless you would prefer to concentrate on the task at hand?" Traynor continued. "The best path home as a topic for discussion with the Major might be a lot more enjoyable than say... the difference between what is _secret_ and what is _private_?"

"Yeah. That'd probably be for the best."

"Yes, it probably would. Now," Traynor zoomed in on the galaxy map. "This is where we are." Alone among all the countless white dots representing stars in the map, one star in the hologram turned red and began blinking. "And this is Sol." Another star turned red and began blinking.

Joker looked at the scale and distance markers of the holographic grid. "If they were topped off, our fuel tanks would only take us a third of that distance. And that's in a straight line. Given how much fuel we do have left, I'd say we can make a quarter of the distance. And that's not even taking into account stops along the way to discharge the drive core."

"Alright. Let's say that there was a small resupply convoy being sent to meet us. Where's the best rendezvous point? That's our task: find the safest, quickest path for us to get there, and the safest, quickest path for the convoy to get their and for us to return with them."

"A small resupply convoy?" Joker smiled. "Let's get to it." 

* * *

The doors to Engineering opened. Apparently no one was taking the day off.

"Do quarians not need to sleep, or are you just trying to make all the humans look lazy?" Kaidan teased.

"No, we sleep, but this planet's rotation period is closer to Rannoch's than Earth's.  It's easier for me to adapt to four extra hours in a day than it is for you to cope with an extra twelve." Tali's tone became sly. "So.... I hear the vidcomm has been repaired."

"Is that so? And here I thought that you of all people would understand just how destructive to crew morale rumors can be, _Admiral_."

The sound Tali made sounded and meant exactly the same thing in every species which possessed the human equivalent of vocal chords. "Ugh. Fine. I surrender, I surrender, just don't call me that, _Captain_."

"Captain?" Kaidan held up his hands inmock surrender. "Alright, alright, we'll call it a draw. Where's Adams? I need an update on our repair schedule."

"His turn to crawl around the access ducts." She pointed to Gabby Daniels, "Engineer Daniels can't because her arm is still healing, and Donnelly is still sleeping off last night." Tali opened her omni-tool. "Adams? Major Alenko needs an update on our repair schedule."

"Kinda busy here, just got the drive intake manifold open." Came the reply. "You can take care of the update Tali."

"Not being an engineer myself, that sounds incredibly complicated."

"It's less complicated than it is a pain in the, you know." Tali said.

"Got it. So, how soon 'til we're back in the sky?"

"Is there a rush?"

"The sooner we lift off, the sooner we'll be on our way."

Tali consulted her omni-tool and then the display in front of her. "Wait. Where is Traynor with the primary computer core?"

"She said it will be three more local days until all the repairs have been made and all the work is done to isolate EDI, and keep her in -- I think 'hibernation' is the word she used, and then we can power it back up."

"Then I would say, six local days, including today."

"Fantastic. One last thing, _Admiral_ , I'll need to see you and _General_ Vakarian in the war room at twenty-eight hundred hours local time today."

As Kaidan walked out of Engineering Tali called after him. "Understood, _Captain_."


End file.
